Maury Povich - By Natalie Welsh for Public Review

This is thoroughly offensive and fully tongue-in-cheek.


Things I Wish Maury Povich Had the Balls (Or Lack of Tact) to Say to Baby Mommas and Potential Baby Daddies.



1. You do realize that children are conceived about 9 months before they are born, right? You can't just pick some dude you fucked twelve years ago and expect him to be the biological father of your two-year-old simply because he's the only gainfully employed male that you know.



2. Yes, dating someone for two weeks IS long enough to get her pregnant. It only takes one time, stupid. You went to public school, didn't you?



3. Shaynikqwana? Were you high on crack when you thought of that name?



4. This is the sixteenth man you have brought on the show to be tested. Were you a prostitute? Go on, admit it. Normal women do not fuck 16 dudes in a two-week span.



5. Just because you have six boys with five other women doesn't mean you're somehow magically incapable of fathering girls!/Just because you have six girls with five other women doesn't mean you're somehow magically incapable of fathering boys!



6. Just because your skin is dark doesn't mean you can't have a light-skinned kid!/Just because your skin is light doesn't mean you can't have a dark-skinned kid!



7. You can't be more than 100% sure of anything. It's just mathematical logic.



8. Birth control. Ever heard of it? Try it. You might like it.



9. Having a "keep-a-nigga baby" isn't going to work if the "nigga" isn't actually the baby daddy.



10. Maybe if you weren't out 'ho-ing around all the time, you'd know who your baby daddy was.



11. I'm so glad so many of you are too poor to conduct a DNA test at home in a private doctor's office without the whole world watching. I can't wait to go home tonight and roll around in a big pile of money while watching Connie snort coke out of a stripper's asscrack, just before sleeping soundly through the night. Life is good. Where was I?... oh yeah... you are NOT the father!



Please, feel free to comment on this piece with constructive criticism and/or appreciation. That is the reason it is posted. Thanks!