Guitar Combo Meal - By Natalie Welsh for Public Review

This started out as a cover letter a friend asked me to write. Then I wrote a “read-between-the-lines” version. Names have been changed in the interest of privacy.

Dear [Parent of Potential Student],

My name is [Guitar Guy], and I am writing this letter to detail the skills I have to offer in teaching your child how to play guitar. I hope that by perusing this letter, you will gain the insight you need to make an informed decision regarding your child’s guitar instructor.

I began playing and reading music twenty-one years ago, when I played trombone in the Pleasant View Middle School Concert Band. In order to play trombone, it was necessary that I learn to read music – a skill I have retained to this day. Over the years, I learned to play many other instruments, including percussion, brass, strings, and keyboard. I have played electric guitar and bass in several local Columbus bands. More recently, I have focused on developing a solo act that features my vocals and acoustic guitar skills. I perform a range of classic rock, folk, and pop covers, along with songs I have written myself.

As a guitar instructor, I focus mostly on playing rock and pop guitar. I will assess your child’s abilities and knowledge of the basics, such as chords, fingering, and general guitar maintenance. Once your child is comfortable and knows his/her way around a guitar, I will begin to show him/her how to link the chords into songs. With beginner students, I will start out with simple songs, such as “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” and continue from there at your child’s own pace.

It is important to note that as I teach your child, he/she will naturally pick up some sight-reading skills as we begin to use tablature. However, I do not intend to teach my students how to read music in depth. This is a tremendous skill, and an important one for a classical musician to have, but not necessary to master the guitar. (Classical guitar or piano lessons are excellent avenues for educating your child in sight-reading music.)

Over the years, I have acquired 8-track recording equipment that I intend to use as a learning tool. For example, your child can record himself/herself playing and identify trouble spots during the playback (with my assistance). It will also be possible for your child to record two or more harmonious tracks and mix them together, giving him/her a sense of how various musical elements combine to make a whole. If you wish, I can make CDs of these recordings available to you.

It is likely that you are looking into [Guitar Lesson Company] so that your child can learn an instrument in a comfortable, familiar, hassle-free environment. I definitely agree that these are important aspects of effective learning. As a teacher, I am committed to responsibility and punctuality. I am exceptionally well-organized, and will arrive at your home with my own guitar, lesson plans, and other instructional materials. Parents, if you feel that your child would benefit from my instruction, please inform [Guitar Lesson Company] of your decision. Before long, your child will be giving impromptu living-room performances to his/her most appreciative audience: you.

Sincerely,
[Guitar Guy]


Dear Parents,


I feel very sorry for you. If you had made friends with some of those loser stoners in high school, you might have a chance at getting your kid a guitar teacher that you already know (and for way cheaper than these piano fools, to boot). Unfortunately, you were probably those super-cool kids who played sports and sat on top of the bleachers instead of hanging out under them. Now you're forced to turn to professionals, and you'll be forced to pay them a professional rate, too.


I bet it was a blow to your ego when your kid said that he wanted to play guitar instead of football. You looked nervously at your wife, but later confided to her that guitar's okay, as long as the kid doesn't want to take ballet. It's your own fault for buying him Guitar Hero. Now he thinks he's going to be the next Slash. I hope you've prepared him for the crushing disappointment that is sure to ensue.


I'm going to teach your kid all that I know, and believe me, I know a lot. I'd like to remind you that it is your responsibility to make sure your kid practices in between sessions. If you've paid through the nose for months of lessons, and your kid can only play one chord, you have only yourself to blame. All those ragin' hot licks coming from your kid's bedroom? Yeah, that's Guitar Hero. On the "Easy" setting.


Don't come in during practice sessions to "make requests." No, I'm not playing that Eagles song, and I'm sure as hell not going to waste my time teaching it to your kid. If you haven't noticed, I'm what they call a Serious Musician. Serious Musicians think Don Henley is songwriting's answer to the eunuch. If you think it's important that your kid play that song, you know it will inevitably be featured on some edition of Guitar Hero. You can just purchase it then. Probably long after the kid has decided he doesn't want to play real guitar anymore because "it's too hard."


Please do not purchase your child anything made out of leather until he has learned at least one song. We don't want the kid prematurely assuming he's going to be a famous and debauched rock star. Encouraging ridiculous fantasies in someone who has trouble with basic fingering will certainly lead to disaster. Calling up talent agencies to inquire about openings for a child guitar prodigy will, at this point, only increase the probability that I will use "Chocolate Rain" to teach your child how to sing and play simultaneously. For about eight weeks in a row. In painstaking, repetitive detail. Turned up to ten. Don't do it.


I would also appreciate it if you do not stand in the doorway and adamantly insist that I teach your child Guns n' Roses' "Anything Goes" from the sheet music you printed off the internet. If you haven't noticed, your kid is seven. That song contains words I never even heard until I was twelve, and didn't know the meanings of until I was seventeen. Let's keep it appropriate, shall we?


I'm looking forward to a long and lucrative (for me) series of guitar lessons with your child. So butt out, and let me get to work. We all know you're doing this so you can have Guitar Hero all to yourself, anyway.


Please, feel free to comment on this piece with constructive criticism and/or appreciation. That is the reason it is posted. Thanks!